It Will Always Get Better

I'm a firm believer in the equalization of the universe; we may have "lows" in our life, but these "lows" allow us to appreciate the "ups" even more. Life is looking up at the moment for me, regardless of my mom's career situation. It may not be an apex, but I'm working my way up the sine curve of life. I'm doing well at work- I even applied to Starbucks for a second job and I'm finding happiness in the little things. The small chats with strangers at work and Starbucks, my mom's adorable dog, my awesome friends that I sometimes neglect due to my need for alone time and just life in general. Everything will work it's self out in the end. So, I just keep smiling and thinking positive.

-Cody

Love Hurts When You Do It Right

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why.
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time.

It's been a week today since my ex-boyfriend broke up with me. It still hurts, but I'm not a hot mess like I was a few of days ago. What made this break up so hard for me was that not only am I losing someone that I deeply care for and love, but it feels like I'm losing a best friend. It's hard to feel like you're losing two people in your life, but each day that passes, it gets a little bit easier. I have had Sara Evans' song "A Little Bit Stronger" playing on repeat; it perfectly describes how I feel. As I am sad that what we had is gone, I am not as bitter as I thought I would be, and I'm happy about that. I rather be sad and hurt than a bitter, angry person. Sadness fades, bitter and angriness linger.

I've been thinking a lot about if I'm going to decide to become "friends" with him later on. I say "friends" in quotes, because I don't think that exes can truly be real friends again, especially when the break up is not mutual as they rarely are. When two exes decide to try a "friendship," one will always be hurt to see their ex talking to other people, not matter how "over it" they are. It hurts to see your ex giving someone else what you once had. And, with exes, I don't think that you can truly ever really confide in them like you once did. As hard as it is to think that he won't be in my life like he used to, I know that life goes on and the hurt will eventually fade. But, maybe a friendship between us is in our future. It's hard to say. I'm not writing it off, because you never know. I just know that I need to move on before a friendship can happen.

I can honestly say that I don't think I will ever be the same; I don't think anyone is ever the same after a relationship. It's such an emotional experience that it's almost impossible not to change as a person.

He'll be missed. I'll move on. That's how life works. Taking it one day at a time.

-Cody

Overdue

As I sit in Starbucks, like I do everyday to relax and enjoy my iced coffee, I realized that I haven't posted a blog in a while. Not that I am worried that you would particularly care about my average life and are wondering what I've been up to; however, I started this blog essentially as an outlet and as a type of journal and I have been neglecting it. It's time to fill in the past three months:

I was hired at Books-A-Million in April and have been doing really well. I make a lot of extra "spiff" money for selling magazine subscriptions and discount cards. I suppose this is a testament of my ability as a salesperson. I was quite surprised that I was a natural at selling things and now I'm quite proud of the fact that I can make an extra $50 or so a week just because people like to buy things from me.

By this point you may or may not be wondering why the hell I'm not in California as the blog title suggests. I struggled for sometime, and still struggle, with the fact that I am not there yet, but after talking with my best friends, I've realized that I don't owe anyone an explanation. But, in case you're wondering, the plan to move is still on; I've just decided to save more money to be financially secure and not have to worry about crawling back to Georgia after I moved because I ran out of money.

As for my family, my mom has lost her job. Long story short: her former boss fired her for no legal reason and she is taking legal action. None-the-less it is understandably causing a lot of stress in her life that trickles down to mine. But, we're staying positive. My mom and dad are both dating someone. It was strange at first, and very awkward, but I'm starting to get used to it. They're actually really nice people. My dad is still riding my back about college and life in general, but I ignore him for the most part. He doesn't understand that I don't have to do everything as he would do it or the way he thinks I should do it, but I accept that he doesn't get that. And, my sister is home for the summer and doing fine. She still annoys me, but its mutual, I am sure, and we've had some fun pool days since she's been back.

Now that things are somewhat filled in, I'm going to go back to enjoying my coffee and reading my new book. :)

-Cody

21 Day Challenge

"A person must see themselves in a new role before their self image can change."

So, while on the internet the other day, I "stumbled upon" a website outlining a four step, twenty-one day challenge. I thought to myself "Twenty-one days. Three weeks. Ten minutes a day. Why not give it a try?" After reading through the instructions, I decided that I would try and go through with it and see how it went. I decided to begin it today.

The twenty-one day challenge consists of a daily, four step mental exercise that promises great things; and, I have to say, I believe it. The only condition is that you must "have at least one area of your life you would like to work on, or a certain way you would like to 'be.'" The four steps are as follows:

1. Vividly imagine a time when you were being how you wanted.
2. Picture yourself in a new scenario being how you want to be.
3. Realize that you are eventually going to die. (Important in managing stress. Nothing lasts forever.)
4. Think of a problem or issue you think is holding you back and challenge it.

The basis of this "challenge" is that scientific research has shown that it takes the human mind around 21 days to establish new connections and pathways. By completing the four steps outlined above, the thoughts associated with the steps will begin to come to your conscious mind more often and begin to over shadow the negative thoughts that the mental self critic can impose.

Here's the link if you'd like a more detailed outline: http://www.pluginid.com/21-day-challenge/

-Cody

"Get Up and Shake The Glitter Off Your Clothes"

I went on a surprise trip to celebrate my birthday in Vegas this weekend thanks to Miguel!!

He planned the trip for like three weeks and told me all along that we were going to Atlanta for the weekend to celebrate my 21st birthday. He arrived in Warner Robins Thursday night because we were going to get up early and head to Atlanta and "check in early at our hotel." We wake up Friday morning at 4:00 and headed for Atlanta. I start out driving but when I go in to pay for gas, I come out to see that Miguel had moved to the driver's side. I thought nothing of it. I pump gas and get in and we get on the interstate. About 30 minutes outside of Atlanta, Miguel hands me a piece of folded up paper. I opened it up and there is gold glitter laying inside. He throws it on me, changes the song to Katy Perry's "Waking Up In Vegas," and shows me the plane tickets. I couldn't believe it. I was speechless. We got to the airport, parked my car and got on our non-stop flight to Vegas!

We landed in Vegas at 9:30am and a taxi took us to The Stratosphere Hotel where we were staying. The view was amazing.

We did so much while we were there. We rode gondolas, roller coasters and other rides, saw Phantom of the Opera, went to Madame Tussauds Wax Museum, ate at The Top of The World Restaurant, saw the Bellagio fountains and much more. And, of course, we partied! 

I really can't believe that I was in Vegas for my 21st and it all seems like it was an amazing dream. We had a blast and are already talking about going back again sometime.

-Cody

Adventures Into My Mind

It's been a while since I've posted, but I've been dealing with things and I felt compelled to update tonight for whatever reason.

*Disclaimer*

I would like to just say that I don't want people to feel bad for me in anyway after reading this entry. It is what it is, I'm figuring it out and I'm simply writing this as a type of outlet. Also, just because I mention some 'causes' of my issues, does not mean that it is their fault. We all experience different events and through those we form and carry different ideals throughout our lives. Rather than blame them, we must realize, accept and handle them on our own terms.

I've been seeing a psychologist for the past five weeks and with her I have uncovered some important things that I have been over looking in my life- possibly doing so in fear of truly accepting it. I've come to realize that one of my biggest issues can be simply put as 'never good enough.' This has ultimately taken a large toll on my self-esteem and has created insecurities. Another, issue is living in a society and culture that fears and refuses to understand and tolerate my sexuality. It's hard to be yourself when the mindset that surrounds you on a daily basis refutes your lifestyle based on fear and ignorance.

These two issues among my parents divorce and my current family life have all had a role in creating my anxiety, but the most important role goes to my way of thinking. This is the most important role because this is the one thing that I have control over. I am working on changing my thought processes to see things in a different light. Rearranging and reforming your thoughts can play a huge part in how you feel, analyze and react to various situations.

In these past five weeks, I have learned a lot about my self and my thoughts. I feel as if I have grown  from this experience and I have leaned to accept the above issues because they are the some of the very reasons that are pushing me even harder to pursue my dreams of moving to LA and working in the film business. For that, I am thankful.

-Cody

Postponed

Well, I regret to say that I have had to put my move to LA temporarily on hold. Honestly, I have a lot that I need to deal with mentally before I can move cross-country away from friends and family. I made this decision a couple of weeks ago but struggled significantly with the fact that I feel like a disappointment, not only to myself, but to my family, friends and peers. I've come to the point where I need to put what people think aside and do what is best and healthy for me. I'm going to apply that idea to this blog and I'm going to write how I feel and disregard what people think. I think being more honest and real will be more helpful to me and more entertaining to my readers- because who doesn't like to read about the trials and tribulations of people, even as ordinary as someone like me? So, here it goes.

I've been dealing with a lot since I've moved home since January. I have always struggled off and on with minor anxiety, but sometime in January, this off and on minor anxiety quickly ballooned into a full fledged problem. I am constantly on edge and suffer daily, sometimes multiple times, from intense panic attacks. So intense that I end up having panic attacks just worrying about having another panic attack and I am constantly exhausted. It's a vicious cycle. I honestly have no idea what is causing such anxiety within me so I have decided to see a psychologist. Hopefully talking with her can help me discover what the root of my anxiety is because I have gotten to the point to where I just feel mentally numb. I'm also thinking of getting a seasonal part time job for the next couple months just to get out of the house and have some human interaction to keep my mind off of things and make some extra money.

I also had my tarot cards read recently and whether or not you believe in that kind of thing, it really enlightened me and helped me view my life in a different way. In helped me in such a way that the intensity of my anxiety has actually decreased some. Magic or not, I think that they can help you think about things in a different way and help you bring to light different avenues of thought.

So there we go. Believe it or not, it felt good just to write it out. I even contemplated deleting it just because I felt better... but, what kind of blog would that be?

-Cody

Homeschooling

Since things have been going unexpectedly slow in finding an available place to stay once arriving in Los Angeles, I decided that I should maybe order some books and do a little homeschooling over what I was getting myself into. A week or so ago, I ordered five books from Amazon and over the past few days they have been arriving in the mail. I've already finished two and I'm halfway through my third. I treat these book like textbooks: I read them and try to identify and memorize the most important aspects of each one. As I was readying one of my "textbooks" yesterday in Starbucks, I realized that I was not only learning, but learning about things that I actually cared about. This brought on a feeling of great satisfaction. Yes, some of the classes I took in college were interesting, but I didn't really care- I just cared about making good grades. By taking it upon myself to learn more about the things I am interested in doing once I'm in L.A., I find that I absorb and retain more information than I ever did in college. Maybe our failing education system could learn something from this. What if allowing kids to choose at least a couple of classes that they actually want to learn about would result in better retention of information? Just a thought.

As for my voyage to L.A.: I'm talking with a friend there to see if he and his roommate would mind me staying with them for a month or two so that I can actually look at potential apartments and attend job interviews in person. I think this would make things a little easier than being over 2,000 miles away and trying to find a decent place and apply for jobs. My plan is to be on my way before the end of the month. It's hard just sitting at home when people expect you to have been to L.A. a month ago, but I don't want to rush into things and end up on a plane back to Georgia in six months. I'm doing this for me, not other people. When the time is right and everything is set up, I will be on my way.

-Cody

Just One More Step

So, it's been awhile since I've updated you guys and that is because, sadly, not much has been going on. In order for me to have a successful and smooth transition to Los Angeles, there are four key steps that have got to happen. Those steps are as follows: 1) find a sublease, 2) quit my job, 3) purchase a more fuel efficient and dependable vehicle and 4) find an apartment to rent. I can proudly say, that as of yesterday, I have checked off steps 1-3. Yes, you read correctly- I've got a new car! I really like it a lot and am very excited that I am one step closer to finally, as my dad would put it, "getting my ass on the road." I went up to Marietta yesterday morning with my mom and dad in tow to look at, and hopefully purchase, a car that I had found on AutoTrader. We got there, test drove it and started the paperwork. I'm proud to present the very first thing that I have ever truly owned to myself:

Now, that I have completed this step, I only have one more to go and I've been working hard to make it happen. It's really hard to try to find an apartment that's affordable, decent and safe. The most important of those three are affordability and safety and I'm not going to sacrifice those two things just to move out to L.A. more quickly. I don't want to end up broke, dead or both. I've called many places that fit those criteria but to my luck, they didn't have units available any time soon. I'm hanging in there though and not giving up on my search. It will happen when its meant to happen but I'm just ready to get the hell out of Warner Robins.

Also, I think that this would be a good time to properly introduce this guy that I've been talking to for quite some time now. He is from Augusta and his name is Miguel. He's been helping me out tremendously and visiting when he has breaks from work and school. Some people may say "Why are you going to let yourself get involved with someone when you're moving across the country soon?" but, it's none of their business. If I'm happy and he's happy and we are ok with the situation- it really doesn't matter.

Now, I must continue scouring through Craigslist and the various apartment sites that I have bookmarked. I am determined to be on my way to California as soon as possible! 

-Cody

My Going Away Party

Even though I'm not leaving for a another week or so, I decided to have my going away party last night before all of my close friends headed back to school to begin their semester. It had been a while since we were all together and it was nice to have one last get together with people that I've spent the last five years. Looking around at my party was also somewhat strange. Strange that they will all going back to their colleges and here I am temporarily giving up school and going way out of my comfort zone. It was also strange that it was possibly the last time that I would see them for a very long time because I have no idea when I will be able to make it back for a visit.

As everyone was leaving my house, like always, I started thinking. Sometimes I wish I didn't think so much. I was thinking about how we are all going to change in the next year or so and how everything might be when I do come back to visit. Change is inevitable, I know that. I've changed a lot in the past few years but, my friends have changed with me. The difference now is that we are still going to change, but we won't be changing together.

Then I fast forwarded three years from now, and I can see all of them have graduated college and have gone on to pursue careers in their major and I'm in California (hopefully being successful). This put me at ease because I realized that sooner or later we would all have to move apart and pursue our dreams. This is a natural part of life and I'm just doing it a little sooner than everyone else. We will all change sooner or later. That isn't a bad thing. What is most important is that five years from now when we all get together again and despite our changes in life and within ourselves, we will be able to click back together and just pick up right where we left off. I think we'll be just fine.

Thanks you guys, for being there for me and with me through everything that I've been through in the past five years. I honestly and truly could not have done it with out your support. You guys mean everything to me and I will miss you guys tremendously. You guys are great.

-Cody